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I Got A Pony When I Turned 10

     

Monday, January 12, 2004

 
If someone ever game me a zen garden for a present, I might have kick that person.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

 
After years and years of forwards from friends and family about office politics and pranks, how to give blow jobs, you know you were a child of the 80s, the dalai lama walks into a bar, etcetera, etcetera, I contend that this is the funniest email forward any of us have ever received.


CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

1. "You Are Different and That's Bad"

2. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"

3. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

4. "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

5. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

6. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

7. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

8. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

9. "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

10. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

11. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

12. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"

13. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

14. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North
Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

15. "All Dogs Go to Hell"

16. "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

17. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

18. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

19. "Bi-Curious George"

20. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"


Tuesday, November 04, 2003

 
My favorite things about Heather and Eugene's wedding:

1. Their most funny, sincere and almost-memorized vows.

2. The nicest gift card I've ever gotten.

3. Cute boys with afro wigs and short, tight pants.

4. Quiche morning, noon, and night, sometimes with bacon.

5. Patrick's Boston accent concerning everything from parks to astronauts. And his undeniable enthusiasm for repeating what I deemed appropriate.

6. Sue's divine soprano, possibly British, "church voice" rendition of Morning Has Broken.

7. Heavily meated pizza not made on the west coast.

8. Big Ben. Parliament.

9. My bizarre, miraculous even, ability to wake up on Saturday without a hangover.

10. Someone's grandmother asking me if I had enjoyed my field-hockey player costume when I had actually dressed up as an 80s one-hit wonder.

11. Spending gobs and gobs of time with the funniest people, new and old, I know.

My least favorite things about Heather and Eugene's wedding:

1. Losing my purse at the Kilburn-Peterson home, forcing the fabulous hosts to search through the night for it.

2. Finding my purse in my car 10 minutes later.

3. Not donning an afro myself.

4. The hotel elevator's insistance that I have a key card in order to visit any floor above the lobby.

5. Candles that drip and stress the mother-of-the-bride.

6. Having someone's father pass me in the hall, laughing and saying, "I SAW YOU last night!!" and having no idea what he was referring to.

7. My wedding cake being the only one at the table with fruit -- as opposed to chocolate -- filling.

8. Bees.

8. Having to give the corkscrew to Alice.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

 
This must be lawyer-speak for "I had a great goddamned Wednesday night"--

"Frances and I had supper last night at Humphrey's, one of the new downtown hot spots. I had a rare hamburger, she had a sorta rare cheeseburger. I had french fries, she didn't. "

Well done, Dad. Well done.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

 
The South has a lot of fine qualities. Air conditioning, ceiling fans, bacon/egg/cheese biscuits, a supreme love of football, pretty seashores with soft sand and ample parking top my list.

Friday, August 01, 2003

 
Sometimes roomates say it better:

"Shirtless circuit boys on E might be just as fun as
strippers."


Monday, July 28, 2003

 
Runner's log, Fogdate, July 27, 2003
Chronicle Marathon, Mile 19


It comes as no surprise that while waiting for the third leg to pass the baton to me (the fourth leg) at Sunday's marathon, I ate a peanut butter PowerBar, bit off three fingernails, saw a guy running unhappily in a suit of armor, saw many people running faster than I ever will, got sick from the sticky sweetness of Gatorade, talked too much, peed 7 times, high-fived strangers, considered walking home, wished I had slept 15 minutes later, and really wanted to sit down. It is even less surprsing that when the third leg actually crossed the timing pad -- torch prepped and ready to hand off -- I was, once again, in said bathroom.

Monday, July 07, 2003

 
You know LA has done its job when:

1. The least favorite celebrity you meet is Tom Green.

2. You come home unable to account for a big wad of cash, a driver's license, your favorite black jacket and, of course, your shoes.

3. A Survivor whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

4. You are called "dirty whore" at least 12 times.

5. Your friends use their wit, charm, good looks and convertible to pick up 21-year-olds for you. Your friends also card them.

6. You lose your wallet then get it back due to the diligence, patience and integrity of the third most drunk friend there.

7. The bride-to-be's veil is most often referred to as her hat.

8. You spend 4 hours at a bar and are so busy with celebrities that the mechanical bull in the middle of the room is completely ignored.

9. Your second favorite Reality crush is in charge of running said bull.

10. Your waiter plays 2 rounds of "I Never" with your table and then buys everyone shots.

11. Knock knock jokes are everywhere.



Tuesday, July 01, 2003

 
Great America is an ideal outing for a Sunday only if you have 9 accompanying friends who:

1. Are not afraid to ride boy-girl-boy-girl.

2. Are also not afraid to eat cheesburgers, when a bbq is the planned post-park activity.

3. Are not afraid to eat corndogs when having previously done #2.

4. Are terribly afraid of getting their cameras wet...and then take said camera on a ride appropriately called Rip Roaring Rapids.

5. Apply their lipstick while killing time in the Invertigo line.

6. Will travel all the way to Kidzville for a bag of sweet, delicious kettle korn.

7. Laugh when a ride makes you cry.

8. Don't get mad about long bathroom lines, extremely slow food providers, or pathetic skeeball scores that produce precious few red tickets.

9. Share everything they buy, including ice cream of the future, glittered bracelets, ring pops, $3 bottles of water, airplanes, #6, and french fries, glorious french fries.

10. Enjoy watching their friends getting thrown around by a ride almost as much as getting thrown around themselves.

11. Purchase a minimum of 3 meats when preparting for aforementioned bbq, and then throw in a side of ham, just in case.

12. Sing all the way home.

Monday, June 30, 2003

 
Comments are big, but at least they're up. Why can I no change the font? Why, god, why?

Friday, June 27, 2003

 
I just don't understand why Bill Paxton keeps getting parts in movies. So I asked the gods at IMDB to help me come to grips with the phenomenon. I was shocked and awed to learn a little something about the worst actor in Hollywood that made the little icicle inside my heart begin to melt.

"He learned to speak German to prepare for his part in the Pat Benatar video, "Shadows of the Night."

There's a video for Shadows of the Night! And it requires that Bill Paxton speak German! Truly, the lord does work in myserious ways.

Monday, May 12, 2003

 
"Betcha can't say this 5 times fast: Twelve traveling trains travel tricky tracks."

You know what, Cracker Jacks, I can.
 
Hello little seahorse!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

 
I thought I had blogged all I could blog about *NSync's Lance Bass. Turns out, I was wrong. The boy wonder pontificates on the authenticity of American Idol:

"It's gotten a little too commercialized for me. I don't like how they cheese it up with Ford commercials. It's too Broadway for me. It's like when that '205' guy, Ruben Studdard, and this other girl were singing in front of a mansion in the car. What are they doing? It's like cheesy karaoke videos they're creating. It feels like they're selling out."

That's right, my sweet. I'd finish the article, but I've got to go get me some baby-back ribs.

And then I'm gonna fly into space, my McDonald's cheeseburger in one hand, my Justin Timberlake bobble head in the other.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

 
Dear Clay,

I really like your sweet Carolina accent, and even though you remind me of Rick Astley a little too much, I usually like your voice. You're kinda geeky, which is nice since I really hated Justin Guarini, and you're sorta the polar opposite. Like, he really liked himself a lot, and I'm just not convinced that you like yourself at all. And even though you will never begin to touch my beloved Ruben with the longest 10-foot-pole in the world, I just wanted to write and say that you are doing really well but I think it's time to lay off the self-tanner. You are starting to look like my brother's baseball glove.

All the best,
Sarah

FOR ALL YOUR HOUSEHOLD NEEDS

The Past
Archives

The Present
Runonsentence
Where hilarity ensues

Helenjane
She got married

love/hate
So much conflict

Mrs. Kennedy
What exactly is the fuss?

Dangerous Candy
Don't mix with coke

Worshipping at the Altar of Mediocrity
That's one pretty kitty

The Beakdip
A commuter's log

The Lauren Tewes Fan Page
She's expecting you

The Future
This American Life
SF Gate
Homestarrunner

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