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I Got A Pony When I Turned 10

     

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

 
For Heather -- what more could you ask for? Teen Queen, Superhero and Siren.

Monday, April 29, 2002

 
There are many reasons to watch MTV: The Osbournes, Jackass, The Andy Dick Show ("don't step on that"), but one of the most special reasons is Fear. The premise: Send the best and the brightest of today's youth into abandoned (read: haunted) areas -- prisons, hospitals, army bases, etc. -- and set up dares for them (e.g., sit in a hole in the ground for a few hours, perform seances, channel spirits throught the magic of the Ouija...). Example task: "Now you are trying to catch a picture of the Nahual beast with your digital camera."

The participants have to film everything with hand-held video cameras; all dares are done at night; and they receive instructions and stories about the atrocities that happened there via computer, because, except for the scary, scary ghosts, these kids are alone. Oh also, psychics and ghost channeller-types explore the area before the participants arrive and talk about all of evil/residual hatred that resides there.

If, however, you are not yet convinced that this makes for a riviting 58 minutes of television, preview these outtakes from a recent episode:

On Encouragement: "Right on, dog-y-dog."

On Hope: "I wish I was in New Albany right now."
(Response: "Me too, me too.")

On Contentment: "That noise is not cool. I don't think that thing is happy that I poured blood down here."

On Exercise: "Damon, I'm running to the Safehouse. Open the door! Something has its hand on my shoulder. I'm running. Open the door! Now! Now! Daaamooon!"

On Education: Look, I'm learning. Here's your blood. I'm learning! MTV sent us. We respect you!"

On Poultry: "Alright, I need the caged chicken please."





Friday, April 26, 2002

 
Poem #1

It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
So I went to the 2nd floor.

Poem #2

Howard. So funny, so early,
In my car.

You sang, I smiled.
Your girlfriend looked skanky
In that magazine.

But I don't care
I still like you.
More than Beetlejuice.



Thursday, April 25, 2002

 
While there's nothing funny about a heart attack...

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

 
Today my boss said that she had a doctor's appointment and would be in the office by 1:00. She lied. Here's what I did in her absence:

7:40-8:30 -- Logged on. Checked Hotmail. Checked work email. Answered some of both. Sent some of both. Filled water bottle.

8:32-9:47 -- Checked Salon. Read some stuff. Surfed Fresh Air archives, and listed to 3 (Denis Leary, some guy from The Sopranos, some Spanish director). All were excellent. Checked Minister and Hotmail incessantly.

9:47-10:02 -- Wrote stuff in preparation for 10:00 meeting. 10:00 meeting postponed til 10:15. Checked Hotmail in its stead.

10:15-11:22 -- Sat quietly in meeting.

11:22-4:13 -- Checked Hotmail and Minister incessantly (approx. every 4 minutes). Thought about posting. Decided against it. Checked to see if large plants flanking the elevator were real. They are. Ate lunch -- cheap, bad soup from Trader Joe's. Told self to remember to stop buying soup there. Was happy to read all three off Allyson's new posts. Commented on two of them. Filled water bottle four times. Peed a lot. Walked outside because its pretty. Came back to check Hotmail.

4:14 -- Realized that I had not built 12 pages that are due tomorrow. Cussed to self. Checked Hotmail.

4:17 -- Started to build pages.

4:19 -- Started listening to This American Life story about the three kinds of deception (am listening still -- it's very good).

4:23 -- Decided to post.



Tuesday, April 23, 2002

 
There's this woman doing the Eco-Challenge named Sarah Boardman. She's the captain of a team called Moosejaw. As leader of the team her strategy thus far has been to:

a) Insist that her teammates carry all of the gear (and, usually, her pack) so that she can save her strength for "making decisions all day"
b) Bitch at her team a lot for "going too fast"
c) Beg her team to "Slow down, you guys!"
d) Insist that she can steer the raft from the front of the boat because "You can't see the water hitting the front of the boat when you're in the back."
d) Lie about her team and her abilities when no one else is near the camera

Oh yeah, and at last year's Eco-Challenge, her team (a different team) was disqualified in their fourth hour of racing (an 11-day race, mind you) because she forgot the maps. It is men and women like Sarah who make the Eco-Challenge worth watching. And recording.

Monday, April 22, 2002

 
Three things I learned on Saturday and Sunday:

1. Billy Martin is the cutest member of Medeski, Martin, & Wood when you're looking from the balcony, seat E4. Therefore, he's my favorite.

2. It is not easy or cool to talk on your cell phone at Amoeba.

3. If you ever need to leave the room at a bikram yoga class because you're dizzy and just might pass out, you can still have a good time by chatting up the guy watching the register.


 
Thanks for the concern, Ezra, am feeling fine now that I know you have more than one grits eater on staff, and especially since my first poetry Friday is firmly beneath my belt.

My brother, who is not fond of the laws of grammar and spelling, sent me this email concerning his weekend visiting our aunt Bev(erly) and Uncle William. They live in Mobile, Alabama (that's Mow-beeeeel, for those of you born north of the Mason Dixon). They are *quite* religious, meaning that they carry their bibles everywhere, and they host bible study sessions every single morning of the week at 6 am for their 4 kids -- Massey (age 17); the redheaded twins: Russell and Jon Mac (age 16); and Lydia (age 11). All three boys have been expelled from more than one school (Russell, the most recent expellee, told his English teacher to "fuck off.") I have left the email as it was sent, since putting in the requisite SICs, commas and periods would clearly kill the flow, tone and mood.

Subject: chillin w aunt beav and uncle holey

oh and by the way massey's driving privileges have been reinstated and both the twins are revoked. these kids are always in some except lydia who seems to be the angel from hell, what a hand full. no i've actuall had a great time staying here and uncle holey preached only once as of today.



Friday, April 19, 2002

 
My grandmother, Ophelia, writes me weekly (and she sends me a crisp, clean $20 on a monthly basis). Besides learning about my granddad's latest dancing class or the great books she's been reading, my grandmom also sends me newsworthy clippings from The Birmingham News (that's Birmingham, Alabama for those of you who can't hear the drawl). Here's a sampling of headlines from this week's letter:

1. Carnegie Libraries on Uncertain Ground
2. Grow Your Own Jurassic Park with Real Prehistoric Plants
3. Scientist Discovers Submerged Island
4. Curried Black-Eyed Peas (recipe)
5. Oldest Known Maya Mural Found in Guatemala
6. Buckley Will Open Renovated Theater
7. Offbeat Vacations (for inquiring minds, they are: Bodie, CA; Jekyll Island, GA; Mammoth Cave National Park, KY; Underground Portland, OR; National Bison Range, MT)
8. Old Stars Suggest New Form of Matter
9. Doctor: Kidney Disease Likely Killed Herod
10. Bald Eagles Soar Along the Mississippi

 
Bright sunshine/across the bridge

In my face

You give me

An ice-cream headache.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

 
Good questions, all.

The blog name: I'm all about freeform expressions of the inquisitive id, so it's whatever you want it to be.

And who am I? Well, that tough question I'm going to defer to the greatest actor of our generation starring in, perhaps, the greatest movie of our generation.

Paul Walker as Officer Brian O'Conner, The Fast and the Furious, (2001): "If I lose, you take my car and my pink. But if I win, I take the cash...and the respect. To some people, that's more important."

That's right, baby.
 
I'm quite sure I've cemented my place in hell for guilting poor, tired Ezra with an endless email barrage into fixing my blog at 1:00 in the morning, but we're not always proud of the things we do, are we? Thanks Ezra. I owe you one.

I also called in sick to work today, even though I just need to finish my art homework, which I couldn't do last night as I was busy watching one of the final episodes of Felicity with Sue and Heather. In this mad, mad world, a girl has to keep her priorities straight.
 
This I know:
Sarah's blogger account is functional.
The old archives are liked as an html page
because blogger lost your old posts.
But,
it works.
And, since you are so special,
dearest Sarah,
I will make your archive scripts work
when I am not tired.
better?
Ezra

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

 
This I know: I am the only girl in my yoga class without a tattoo.
 
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck. Ezra, aidez-moi. I just can't get this to work.

FOR ALL YOUR HOUSEHOLD NEEDS

The Past
Archives

The Present
Runonsentence
Where hilarity ensues

Helenjane
She got married

love/hate
So much conflict

Mrs. Kennedy
What exactly is the fuss?

Dangerous Candy
Don't mix with coke

Worshipping at the Altar of Mediocrity
That's one pretty kitty

The Beakdip
A commuter's log

The Lauren Tewes Fan Page
She's expecting you

The Future
This American Life
SF Gate
Homestarrunner

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