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I Got A Pony When I Turned 10

     

Monday, June 24, 2002

 
So the goal is to "try new things." That means:

1. No Mint
2. No Superdiamond
3. No Mint

for an undisclosed amount of time. And Saturday, adhering strictly to the new rules by which we live, Allyson, Bryan, Lynn, Jess, Gareth and I decided we would -- under no circumstances -- allow ourselves to karaoke at the Mint. Instead, we banged irons, turkey basters, pots, pans, and crimpers on tables whilst listening to the fabulous tunes of The Modern Appliance Band (they wore suits on stage, even though it was warm in there...always a plus).

Then, since we were not allowed to karaoke at the Mint, we decided to karaoke at Do Re Me...where the rooms are small and the tunes are all ours. Sure, it felt like we were reserving a room for a very proper orgy (no chains, leather, or pleather did we carry), but once we were locked in the dark confines of our "Small Room" and had dimmed the lights, turned on our disco ball, popped open our MGDs and $1.59 chardonnay, and programmed Survivor's The Search Is Over in the highly complicated machine, we discovered that what we were doing wasn't sinister or dirty at all. Except for trying to peer through into other people's "Large Rooms" to see what they were up to. That felt pretty wrong. Until...

In the car on the way home, Allyson showed me her most recent -- and clearly best -- discovery at Bryan's office ("Hey Mr. President of the Company, are those headphones with a long metal cord attached? They are? Can I have them? That'd be sooo great!") Truly, I was mesmerized by the many Halloween-costume options that the headphones offered. Were we djs? Astronauts? Princess Leias? Queen Amidalas? Time travelers? All of above, my friend. All of the above. And the ride home, through red lights and stop signs galore, was the most fun I had all night.



 
Holy macaroni. And I thought my tax dollars went to roads and shit.

"We ought to ask at that moment if it wouldn't be a good idea for them to get married," explained Horn. "We would refer them to pre-marriage services."



Friday, June 21, 2002

 
Sometimes

When soap stars
return to
shows they were once on

I wonder
if the show they were once on
has paid the star
to
NOT
be on the show for a while

so that when the star
comes back
everyone says
OH MY GOD

It's Tony Dimera!
The real one.
He didn't die in that gas explosion

after all.



Thursday, June 20, 2002

 
Well I'll be -- there is a god, after all.

SAD DAY FOR JERRY FALWELL: Nickelodeon's controversial special on gay parenting, titled My Family Is Different, attracted a record 976,000 viewers Tuesday night. It ranked as the network's most-watched news special ever.

Friday, June 14, 2002

 
Grab your kleenex, ladies. I mean, girls:

"Taylor Hanson, the 19-year-old lead singer of Hanson (he's the middle brother), married 18-year-old girlfriend Natalie Anne Bryant on June 8 in Pine Mountain, Ga. The ceremony was reportedly romantic and intimate."


 
This old guy with a beard came by
and sprinkled flags and stars
and shit
all over my desk.

"IT'S FLAG DAY!" he screamed
as he flitted away.

And here I thought
it was just
the Friday that I learned
that Jerry Bruckheimer is developing a sequel to Coyote Ugly.




Friday, June 07, 2002

 
Kelly Osbourne, I like

your dogs and your house and your dad.

But I do
not like
you singing badly
like Cher
and grinding with guitarists
like Cher
at the MTV Movie Awards --
When Britney
*NSync
and Neil Diamond
were suspiciously absent.


Wednesday, June 05, 2002

 
My 10-year high school reunion is 2 1/2 months away. Go Panthers. A frightening thought in itself. So I wrote the chair of the event, Isabelle Wells, one-time cheerleader now lawyer (we haven't spoken since the summer after graduation) who still lives in our hometown of Huntsville, Alabama, to send gossip anon.

Here is her reply. It's funny (in an "I hated her!") kind of way. Most of all, though, it's horrifying, and it's a pretty good indicator of how southerners handle news. The two deaths are shocking -- DUI accidents and deaths we did have in high school -- but something about these seems too adult, too separate from what we'd dealt with together in high school. Thinking of these things happening to people I last saw in our gymnasium and smoking behind their cars, hiding from rent-a-cop, parking-lot narks, is a terribly sad and strange experience that words just don't seem to describe.

"My gossip is not all good news. During the hunt to find everyone, we learned Roger Schwerman is missing and presumed dead. It is rumored he learned he had a fatal disease and OD'd before walking off into to Pacific Ocean.

Shannon Dickerson just passed away May 21. He had been suffering for several years with cancer.

On the lighter side, too many people have babies!! Melissa and Keith Rogers have two beautiful children and Stacy and Mark Hedden [Editor's Note: wrestling cheerleader and quarterback/captain of the football team, respectively] have 2 boys with another on the way. Stacey Johnson, now Lewis, scared everyone with a very premature baby girl, but Mom and baby are doing great now. Not everyone is happily married. Anne McConnell [Editor's Note: senior class president and shaved her head bald] just went thru a bad divorce as did Christie Campbell. Lots of people just haven't changed at all.

I get all this lovely news via the reunion committee, also known as the Junior League and me. I can't complain though, because we have had great help with the reunion and lots more offers of help. Except from Stephanie Gwaltney [Editors Note: Miss Teen Alabama, 1991, now works at Office Furniture USA], who has not even called to offer help! Now she is interesting gossip. Engaged to Mr. Perfect who bought her a BMW for engagement, then dumped her just before the wedding, she's now living in Mayfield area and decorates her home like the Griswolds for EVERY holiday, was dating a Backstreet Boy for a while, but now they are just friends."

FOR ALL YOUR HOUSEHOLD NEEDS

The Past
Archives

The Present
Runonsentence
Where hilarity ensues

Helenjane
She got married

love/hate
So much conflict

Mrs. Kennedy
What exactly is the fuss?

Dangerous Candy
Don't mix with coke

Worshipping at the Altar of Mediocrity
That's one pretty kitty

The Beakdip
A commuter's log

The Lauren Tewes Fan Page
She's expecting you

The Future
This American Life
SF Gate
Homestarrunner

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