I Got A Pony when i turned 10

2004-01-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

If someone ever game me a zen garden for a present, I might have kick that person.

2003-11-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

After years and years of forwards from friends and family about office politics and pranks, how to give blow jobs, you know you were a child of the 80s, the dalai lama walks into a bar, etcetera, etcetera, I contend that this is the funniest email forward any of us have ever received.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

1. "You Are Different and That's Bad"

2. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"

3. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"

4. "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

5. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

6. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

7. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

8. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

9. "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

10. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"

11. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

12. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"

13. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

14. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North
Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

15. "All Dogs Go to Hell"

16. "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

17. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

18. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

19. "Bi-Curious George"

20. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

2003-11-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

My favorite things about Heather and Eugene's wedding:

1. Their most funny, sincere and almost-memorized vows.

2. The nicest gift card I've ever gotten.

3. Cute boys with afro wigs and short, tight pants.

4. Quiche morning, noon, and night, sometimes with bacon.

5. Patrick's Boston accent concerning everything from parks to astronauts. And his undeniable enthusiasm for repeating what I deemed appropriate.

6. Sue's divine soprano, possibly British, "church voice" rendition of Morning Has Broken.

7. Heavily meated pizza not made on the west coast.

8. Big Ben. Parliament.

9. My bizarre, miraculous even, ability to wake up on Saturday without a hangover.

10. Someone's grandmother asking me if I had enjoyed my field-hockey player costume when I had actually dressed up as an 80s one-hit wonder.

11. Spending gobs and gobs of time with the funniest people, new and old, I know.

My least favorite things about Heather and Eugene's wedding:

1. Losing my purse at the Kilburn-Peterson home, forcing the fabulous hosts to search through the night for it.

2. Finding my purse in my car 10 minutes later.

3. Not donning an afro myself.

4. The hotel elevator's insistance that I have a key card in order to visit any floor above the lobby.

5. Candles that drip and stress the mother-of-the-bride.

6. Having someone's father pass me in the hall, laughing and saying, "I SAW YOU last night!!" and having no idea what he was referring to.

7. My wedding cake being the only one at the table with fruit -- as opposed to chocolate -- filling.

8. Bees.

8. Having to give the corkscrew to Alice.

2003-09-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

This must be lawyer-speak for "I had a great goddamned Wednesday night"--

"Frances and I had supper last night at Humphrey's, one of the new downtown hot spots. I had a rare hamburger, she had a sorta rare cheeseburger. I had french fries, she didn't. "

Well done, Dad. Well done.

2003-08-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

The South has a lot of fine qualities. Air conditioning, ceiling fans, bacon/egg/cheese biscuits, a supreme love of football, pretty seashores with soft sand and ample parking top my list.

2003-08-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes roomates say it better:

"Shirtless circuit boys on E might be just as fun as
strippers."

2003-07-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Runner's log, Fogdate, July 27, 2003
Chronicle Marathon, Mile 19

It comes as no surprise that while waiting for the third leg to pass the baton to me (the fourth leg) at Sunday's marathon, I ate a peanut butter PowerBar, bit off three fingernails, saw a guy running unhappily in a suit of armor, saw many people running faster than I ever will, got sick from the sticky sweetness of Gatorade, talked too much, peed 7 times, high-fived strangers, considered walking home, wished I had slept 15 minutes later, and really wanted to sit down. It is even less surprsing that when the third leg actually crossed the timing pad -- torch prepped and ready to hand off -- I was, once again, in said bathroom.

2003-07-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

You know LA has done its job when:

1. The least favorite celebrity you meet is Tom Green.

2. You come home unable to account for a big wad of cash, a driver's license, your favorite black jacket and, of course, your shoes.

3. A Survivor whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

4. You are called "dirty whore" at least 12 times.

5. Your friends use their wit, charm, good looks and convertible to pick up 21-year-olds for you. Your friends also card them.

6. You lose your wallet then get it back due to the diligence, patience and integrity of the third most drunk friend there.

7. The bride-to-be's veil is most often referred to as her hat.

8. You spend 4 hours at a bar and are so busy with celebrities that the mechanical bull in the middle of the room is completely ignored.

9. Your second favorite Reality crush is in charge of running said bull.

10. Your waiter plays 2 rounds of "I Never" with your table and then buys everyone shots.

11. Knock knock jokes are everywhere.

2003-07-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

Great America is an ideal outing for a Sunday only if you have 9 accompanying friends who:

1. Are not afraid to ride boy-girl-boy-girl.

2. Are also not afraid to eat cheesburgers, when a bbq is the planned post-park activity.

3. Are not afraid to eat corndogs when having previously done #2.

4. Are terribly afraid of getting their cameras wet...and then take said camera on a ride appropriately called Rip Roaring Rapids.

5. Apply their lipstick while killing time in the Invertigo line.

6. Will travel all the way to Kidzville for a bag of sweet, delicious kettle korn.

7. Laugh when a ride makes you cry.

8. Don't get mad about long bathroom lines, extremely slow food providers, or pathetic skeeball scores that produce precious few red tickets.

9. Share everything they buy, including ice cream of the future, glittered bracelets, ring pops, $3 bottles of water, airplanes, #6, and french fries, glorious french fries.

10. Enjoy watching their friends getting thrown around by a ride almost as much as getting thrown around themselves.

11. Purchase a minimum of 3 meats when preparting for aforementioned bbq, and then throw in a side of ham, just in case.

12. Sing all the way home.

2003-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Comments are big, but at least they're up. Why can I no change the font? Why, god, why?

2003-06-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand why Bill Paxton keeps getting parts in movies. So I asked the gods at IMDB to help me come to grips with the phenomenon. I was shocked and awed to learn a little something about the worst actor in Hollywood that made the little icicle inside my heart begin to melt.

"He learned to speak German to prepare for his part in the Pat Benatar video, "Shadows of the Night."

There's a video for Shadows of the Night! And it requires that Bill Paxton speak German! Truly, the lord does work in myserious ways.

2003-05-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

"Betcha can't say this 5 times fast: Twelve traveling trains travel tricky tracks."

You know what, Cracker Jacks, I can.

2003-05-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hello little seahorse!

2003-04-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

I thought I had blogged all I could blog about *NSync's Lance Bass. Turns out, I was wrong. The boy wonder pontificates on the authenticity of American Idol:

"It's gotten a little too commercialized for me. I don't like how they cheese it up with Ford commercials. It's too Broadway for me. It's like when that '205' guy, Ruben Studdard, and this other girl were singing in front of a mansion in the car. What are they doing? It's like cheesy karaoke videos they're creating. It feels like they're selling out."

That's right, my sweet. I'd finish the article, but I've got to go get me some baby-back ribs.

And then I'm gonna fly into space, my McDonald's cheeseburger in one hand, my Justin Timberlake bobble head in the other.

2003-04-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Clay,

I really like your sweet Carolina accent, and even though you remind me of Rick Astley a little too much, I usually like your voice. You're kinda geeky, which is nice since I really hated Justin Guarini, and you're sorta the polar opposite. Like, he really liked himself a lot, and I'm just not convinced that you like yourself at all. And even though you will never begin to touch my beloved Ruben with the longest 10-foot-pole in the world, I just wanted to write and say that you are doing really well but I think it's time to lay off the self-tanner. You are starting to look like my brother's baseball glove.

All the best,
Sarah

2003-04-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

I used to think that the wagon-wheel coffee table in When Harry Met Sally was a pretty cool and kitchy addition to any living room or den. Upon further deliberation, however, I have decided that it is really just ugly.

2003-04-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, I definitely did not have any fun bowling. I also definitely did not learn dirty little secrets about a certain rock star's crazy self-indulged fantasy life, starring himself and no one else. And even if I did learn these dirty little secrets, I would never, ever blog about them.

Totally. Didn't. Happen.

2003-04-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

"Its eight arms and two tentacles have up to 25 teeth-like hooks -- deeply rooted into muscle and able to rotate 360 degrees -- as well as the usual suckers to ensure fish do not escape."

Man oh man, we should all be so lucky.

2003-04-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

Still, if there's one person I dislike more that J.Lo, it's Ari Fleischer.

2003-04-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

You know, for so long I resisted the temptation to call J.Lo "J.Lo" because only a ginormous jackass would date a guy who calls himself "P. Diddy" and sing a song about rocks and blocks and keeping things real while wearing a fur coat and precious else in the cold streets of New York. But now that J.Lo is planning her third wedding in a Boston church to a dolt who was proud of the work he did in Pearl Harbor, I feel that J.Lo is the only way to go. You made your bed, Lopez, now lie in it.

2003-03-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

If there are any cynics out there who think that wedding dress shopping is just no fun for the onlooker, there are ways to ensure a good time. These include:

1. Five good friends. Or, if you prefer, a posse.

2. A hearty dose of sunshine.

3. A pre-game diet of iced coffee, including ample helpings of half-n-half.

4. One bushell of out-of-stock shades of OPI. On sale.

5. One -- and only one -- genuinely nice and laid-back bridal shop clerk.

6. Zero shoppers besides the aforementioned.

7. A plethora of bridesmaid dresses and friends willing to put them on...with their chunky black shoes.

8. Numerous helping of gourmet appetizers and vodka lemonade (fresh squeezed!!) immediately to follow.

9. Also, one televised ice skating competition to follow, including bad judges, worse outfits, and one dead-on Chinese accent.

Mix well. Serves 8.

2003-03-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

Words from a friend have never been truer:

"I'm glad we have asses. It makes life so much funnier."

2003-03-24T15:37:00.000-08:00

Hi little pony. I miss you tons. Will return soon with carrots and a new curry comb.

In the meantime, in honor of Helen Jane and Heather (and Allyson, even though she'd already left for the Oscars), I have one thing (three words, actually) to say.

Donna Martin Graduate!

2003-02-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

So this week in screenwriting class, we got to watch movies for an hour and a half. It's like learning, only the lights are off, I'm eating a rice-krispie treat, and I'm watching tv. The only negative I could see was the guy two seats in front of me who has a braided pony-tail that hangs to his arse and eats tofu like it's a sandwich. I mean, he bites into it while holding it with both hands, but there's no bread. For godsakes, man, there's no bread!

2003-02-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

In my screenwriting class last night there were lots of straight guys (who knew?), a nauseating stench of cigarette smoke, a guy with an eye patch who had a turrets-like habit of saying strange things loudly in response to nothing, a girl wearing a red velour J. Loish track suit, a super hot, recent college grad named Christian who looked a lot like the guitarist from BB Mak, a guy who spoke only Japanese, and a guy who breathed really loudly through his nose. Which one sat by me? Yeah, the breather. Quite an unfortunate geographical choice.

Meanwhile, I have decided that "Hugs" is my least-favorite e-mail sign-off, followed ever-so-closely by the extremely upsetting "Cheers!" Hey folks, we're not British. It just doesn't work for us.

2003-01-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt and I have the same haircut. Dare I say who it looks cuter on.

2003-01-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

So I'm really excited about 2003, because it's already better than 2002. Namely, I didn't have to visit the emergency room on New Year's day and I'm taking singing lessons. But what I'm really, really excited about is 2004. Beause then, we can vote out the worst president in the history of presidents and my automobile insurance policy will go down. Two very good, very important things.

2003-01-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

Proving, once again, that reality brings people together. From my friend Greg:

"Not that I watch Joe Millionaire, because I definitely don't, but I'm glad Heidi got kicked off. She was such a bitch."

2003-01-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

It is devastating to me that with all of the reality shows currently playing, I still didn't go to high school with any of the participants. Clearly, this means that there is not enough reality tv out there.

2003-01-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

So clearly I've clearly been a bad blogger lately. To ease myself back into the game, I offer observations from my friend Sue, who attended a wedding -- one that I am devastated to have missed -- which had all of the following:

1) During the ceremony, someone's cell phone rang, and the person answered it and starting talking.

2) During "you may kiss the bride" the groom grabbed the bride's ass and wrapped a leg around her.

3) Due to the many many events during dinner (monday dance, bouquet and garter toss) the dancing started at 10pm. the kick off song? the techno version of "memory" from Cats. mike asked to leave immediately.

2002-12-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, if you are trying to watch 1999's comic masterpiece Office Space and write 37 Christmas cards, something's gotta give.

2002-11-26T15:34:00.000-08:00

You know, I'd really like to date Matt Damon, and I think we'd make a super fun couple, save that our kids would be 2 feet tall with enormous dimples. But if there's one thing really standing in the way of our ever-lasting love, it's his big best dumb friend, Ben Affleck. I just don't think I could be a supportive of that relationship, and since Matt has known Ben for so long, I know where his loyalties would eventually lie. I'd never want to be their Yoko.

So anyway, Heather sent the above-linked link, and I think it would really speak to the 3 people who read this blog, even if 2 of them already got the link in an email. To the third, you're welcome.

At 9:47 last night I was waiting for the N-Judah to carry me home to a grilled cheese sandwich and a brand new issue of Real Simple, when a young male, 5'10", 170 lbs, approached me from behind and told me that I have "a nice ass...an ass that very few white women have." So it's hard not to smile, even when you know you're s'possed to be offended, when you get a compliment on your ass -- especially when you're ususally mad at your ass for not fitting into your jeans. So I tell the guy thanks, try to return my book, and start thinking about my new J.Lo ass. Then, just as I start to realize that he probably meant Missy Elliott's ass, he solved my dilemma by pulling out a 40 from behind his back and declaring, "I'm an alocholic tonight." And, in the same way I often feel about my ass, the only thing I could think to say was, "Sometimes that's a problem."

2002-11-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

A short list displaying a mere week of learning:

1. Just because you have a crush in Eminem, doesn't mean you can't also have a crush on Neko Case.

2. Put a hairlip and psychotic tendencies on cutie Ralph Fiennes, and he's still a tan, romantic Hungarian in the desert to me.

3. Scoots are the only appropriate footwear for any concert, anywhere, anytime.

4. Blisters, especially since they last longer, are every bit as much fun to pop as zits. They are, however, eleven times more painful.

5. The gods were good to us when they made Dr. Scholls.

6. Public transportation deserves more credit than it gets.

7. Michelle Pfieffer and Kim Basinger need to take lessons in prison- and whitetrash-hair, respectively.

2002-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

When one plug is pulled, another plug opens.

2002-10-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

I used to think that Nicolas Cage was the most overrated actor in America. And then I remembered David Caruso.

2002-10-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

Today Helen Jane reports that LeeAnn Rimes was spotted downing a dog in Union Square on Saturday afternoon. I would like to add to that celebrity sighting that LeeAnn was spotted later that day in Mountain View -- performing way later than she deserved -- at the Bridge School Benefit.

My concern is, why wasn't the newlywed watching and taking copious notes from the way more talented acts who preceeded her? And, even more important, why didn't she sing The Rose? Little does LeeAnn know the pain she caused Bryan, as Allyson and I, chocolate milk in hand, felt the need to review the lyrics, a capella, in the car all the way home.

2002-10-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

"If you ain't dirrty, you ain't here to party."

Words of wisdom from Miss Aguilera.

2002-10-09T15:05:00.000-07:00

Wells Fargo, Satan's favorite bank, is my bank no longer. The conversation went a little something like this:

S: Hi, my name is Sarah Parsons, and my account number is XXXXXXXXXX. I just noticed on my online bank statement that I was charged $2 for a phone call. I can't remember the last time I called the bank for anything, and why is that a charge anyway?

WF: Yes m'am. Hi. How are you?

S: ....

WF: We started charging for phone calls about two months ago.

S: But I didn't call you.

WF: Can I put you on hold while I check your records?

S: Sure.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE: "And the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin' - I don't know where I'll be tomo-ho-rowow. The whee..."

WF: M'am?

S: Yes.

WF: Yes, I can't find that phone call, so I'm not going to be able to cancel that charge.

S: Um, you can't confirm the phone call was made. I say I didn't make it. Therefore, I probably made it?

WF: Yes m'am. That's right.

S: Does that make sense to you?

WF: No m'am.

2002-09-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Having just returned from the burbs of Fremont where a charcoal grill, a poolside chair, and a ridiculous amount of cable channels available 24 hours a day were the focal points of the last 48 hours, some observations are in order:

1. While Trading Spaces is not my favorite show on TLC, I did develop a rather serious crush on Ty (he builds things with his hands and can breakdance) and a rather strong aversion to Paige. I also think the show would be better if they showed two episodes in an hour -- with one, there's just too much idle chit chat. Before and after shots, people -- just like weight-loss stories, that's all we really want here.

2. Jules Asner's Revealed is every bit as dumb as she looks. A brief excerpt from a recent interview with Reese Witherspoon:

Reese: I like to watch the way people walk, the way they say hello.

Jules: You're a people watcher!

(And...47 minutes into the interview....)

Jules: I'm starting to hear your southern accent now.

3. The little self-cleaning machine in the pool is a robotic wonder to watch. And it works like a charm.

4. A Saturday at Walmart is no place to talk to your brother about Christmas gifts.

2002-09-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Grilled cheese. Tuna Melts. PBJs. By 8 or 9 years of age, we really had it all figured out.

2002-09-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

My mom has decided that her new favorite expression is "killer." As in:

"I planted tomatoes this summer, and they are killer."

"Your Aunt Caroline bought this new black pantsuit, and it looks killer."

In mom's world, things are always "killer." I mean, she never has a "killer" time, she never plants "killer" tomatoes -- it's just that something was in fact "killer." I think she must have heard this from me or my brother at some point, except we haven't talked like that since 1986. So instead of thinking what a late-to-the-party person my mom must be, I just choose to think that she came up with it all on her own. Because that's the kind of hip gal she is.

2002-09-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday
I slapped new nail polish on
my fingers.
It's called
Success/
And I must say

it makes quite a difference.

2002-09-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

Sue and Mike got married on Saturday. They wrote and memorized their vows, and they faced their guests when they said them. These are all very impressive things, and the happily married couple should be congratulated accordingly. While 2-year-old Liam asking his mom (Mike's sister) "Mommy, what are you doing?" in the middle of her reading was a favorite moment of the evening, watching Sue and Mike laugh at the altar was even more fun.

I also enjoyed Father Paul's encouragement of the single folks to try to find significants at the wedding. Church humor...sometimes it's unbeatable as Mike proved when he toasted and thanked God for not turning him into a pillar of salt for marrying in a church. All in all, a sweet and joyous event, made even better a sunny morning that greeted us with feet sore from dancing and Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

One thing that Heather thought was very important to tell at dinner (salmon or filet) was that I would really, really love watching Days of Our Lives with Helen Jane. And I believed her.

2002-09-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Oh Ezra, you are so on to my little plan. How embarrassing. I'm really, really gonna try to remember next month. Really.

Last night I watched Crossroads. Just like her first dance teacher and mom say, that little Britney can do it all. If you haven't seen the feel-good hit of the summer, the plot goes a little something like this: Britney Spears and two lesser friends drive from Georgia to L.A. with Enrique Iglesias. Along the way, Britney reads poems, sings, dances, loses her virginity, makes new friends, keeps the old, and gets a record deal. And if you have a screenplay with a better plotline, I don't believe you.

In non-related news, I'd really hate to be the member of BBMak who doesn't know how to play an instrument. Sue and Mike's super fun wedding is 8 days away. In anticipation and celebration, I'm taking a vacation.

2002-08-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I venture to the beach with 5 of my best college friends. Agenda items for the week include: taking up smoking again (Camel Lights), drinking Amstel Lights and plenty of water, sunbathing with sunscreen, body surfing the Atlantic, discussing the benefits of Cute Will Hunting testing his resolve as Secret Agent Man, painting our fingers and toes, and untold games of gin rummy and "I Never." Truly, it is not an annual event for the faint of heart.

2002-08-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

There is so much good word at the Onion this week, that I can hardly contain my enthusiasm.

This story, however, will continue to hold a special place in my heart for weeks to come, as it is the story of my "I just finished my diet coke -- how many miles til the next exit?" life.

2002-08-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

Peaches do not travel well.

2002-08-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who aren't stuck in traffic as much as I am. I mean, when else do you get to sing so loud and free?

2002-08-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't talked to Greg, one of my best pals in the whole wide world, in a month or two. Since my last tear-strewn trauma, serious bodily injury, or life-altering crisis anyway. So today I was so very very thrilled to open my beloved Hotmail and find a message from one Greg Melville. All he writes is:

"If I could write like any one person, I'd write like Danielle Steele."

There are few friends out there, who likely live far, far away, who choose to let you know what's going on in their lives without really telling you. And you understand it just fine.

2002-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I told my roomate:

"My new black Helen Janes are my favorite shoes in the world.

They're comfortable and they're cute."

And then I paused, and couldn't remember

What they were really called.

2002-08-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

Someone just left a Wall Street Journal -- with the mailing address still attached -- hanging on the rail of the wheel-chair accessible stall in the 3rd-floor bathroom. Like I'd pick it up and read it or something.

That's just a little too personal for me.

2002-08-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

The bags around my eyes this morning tell me that entirely too much television was watched last night. I was first shocked and appalled to discover that my friends -- who are supposed to be my friends -- have disuaded me from watching Dude, Where's My Car?.

"Dude, where's my car?"
"Where's your car dude?"

And all of the falling down. Come on people, that's funny. This delight was immediately followed by American Idols, which Allyson was shocked and appalled to discover that I had never seen. It was good, but I was a little upset that no one told Justin Guarini that he was smarmy in a lecherous-uncle sort of way (not a cool-tom-jones sort of way) and that he should stop shaking his head during performances for christ's sake. Because that can be distracting.

2002-08-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

There is pretty much nothing more fun than a Saturday night with my friends who once again proved that a good game of Celebrities is like Grace Kelly -- a classic. A classic with excessive hand gestures and much consternation.

2002-08-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

po

em.

2002-08-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, in belated honor of Allyson's 25th birthday, we saw the super great band Poprocks, who Allyson confirmed were "pretty cute, close up." And she should know. She and Jess went up on stage. Amidst the plethora of joy and singing and dancing, there are a few things that I was not sad to leave in Russian Hill.

I hope I never hear another:
Gaggle of 5 bachelorettes parties singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I mean, in the name of love.

I hope I never see another:
Joey in a blue wool sweater grope and grind from behind every girl in the first three rows. Who dances in a sweater anyway?

I hope I never taste another:
Strand of hair from the swinging head of aforementioned bachelorettes.

2002-08-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Well what the hell else are you supposed to do in Vegas?

I mean, really.

What's so wrong here?

2002-07-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

Heather does not

have a boss.

Heather cannot

receive "contact reports" from her project manager.

Heather will not

have "action items" e-mailed to her from meetings she did not attend.

Heather will only

use her own bathroom all day long.

Heather will not

understand carpel tunnel in the same way she understands one alien boy's love for Is-A-BELLE-A.

2002-07-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

No comment necessary:

"There have been concerns about Bass' health, education and ability to speak Russian, but space officials say he will be taught everything he needs to know."

Go Lance, Go!

2002-07-19T12:56:00.000-07:00

This morning on BART, a 9-year-old turned around to inform me that he had an entire seat to himself. He then added, waving the bills in the air:

"I'm a kid millionaire, and I got $4."

I was duly impressed.

2002-07-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

Another Web site I should've built first. Damnit all!

Sarah's Pony Prairie -- it doesn't get any better than that.

2002-07-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

My Dad -- Bert -- came for his tri-annual west coast visit this weekend. Coming from a man who has lived the majority of his 58 years in the bright sunshine of Huntsville, Alabama, he made some very astute observations.

1. The Yoko Ono exhibit at MOMA "is crap. But everyone should pay good money to go see how bad it is. Because it's that bad."

2. When Sue and Mike head to Turkey for their honeymoon, there is one thing they should focus on: "Kabobs."

3. The Haight is dirtier than expected.

4. Even if your strongest instincts tell you otherwise, air conditioning is not necessary in one's hotel room when staying at the Stanyan Park Hotel in July.

5. A jacket, however, is.

6. Sam Shepard "knows a thing or two about dysfunction."

7. While there are good wineries, there are no "decent shops" in Sonoma. [Eds Note: We did not visit the ice cream shop.]

8. When we saw Jess and Gareth in Sonoma, Jess "was very cute" and Gareth "was probably stoned." [Eds Note: Dad knows his brown clown, as my brother and I discovered while searching his apartment for an extension cord, but that's another story...]

9. When choosing to live in San Francisco, it would be "very difficult to choose a neighborhood because they're all so good. But it's too bad the Tenderloin is one of the closest to the theaters."

10. "Berkeley really isn't that far."

11. Yet, "traffic is a problem."

12. "The 2002 Miss Nude San Francisco pageant is probably the most tame thing going on in the city all weekend."

2002-07-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

I just found this site and am very upset that I didn't think of the name first.

A Pony for Your Thoughts -- please help them find their Mojo.

2002-07-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

Dads are cool

Dads are great

Even if a hernia means

they can't move furniture anymore.

2002-07-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

"I have no idea," Anna Nicole responded. Well I just don't believe that for a minute.

2002-07-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

In the warm glow of last night, Sue, Allyson, and I celebrated Heather's magnificent 28th birthday by going to see Pat Benatar. Without Heather.

The Saratoga Mountain Winery provided a lovely setting -- complete with fireflies, $5 Bud Lights, salt-free pretzels, really close (and extremely hard) bleacher seats, secret bathrooms, plentiful parking for the low, low price of $10, very helpful parking attendants: "You can park anywhere you want!" and zero cell phone service.

Pat Benatar provided and hour and a half of songs, about 7 of which I knew, an excellent and suprisingly diverse fan base (though jean shorts for the male persuasion was highly favored), acoustic versions of both "Love Is A Battlefield" and "We Belong," an unbelievably rockin version of "All Fired Up," a really bad story about how "Invincible" is her official song for the families of Sept. 11, wicked cool hair extensions, the greatest body I've seen on anyone over 22, a smoking hot t-shirt collection -- I'm talking ripped collars with rhinestone crosses and stuff, and, most important, a plethora of wide-stance air guitar.

Spider provided dumb stories and extraordinarily off-key backup vocals, numerous guitar changes, very cool (and tight) corduroy pants, and ever-so-small windows into PB's soul.

Sue provided a partner for my numerous bathroom trips, an equal fascination with the chick who knew every word and really wanted to stand up and dance but wouldn't, a good eye for detecting the crowd's most special outfits, and a tear for the guy in the wheelchair when Spider came out into the crowd to give him a little pick-me-up guitar solo.

Allyson provided her newly working automobile, an all-important link to these old guys who let us borrow their binoculars, a run-in with the highly-trained and specialized security police, contraband flash photography, a sweet singalong tape for the vocal trip home, and a fabulous purple wig.

2002-07-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

On the most beautiful Sunday afternoon in recent history (yesterday), friends and I headed to the third weekend of the Ethnic Dance Festival. While mambo and breakdancing were the undeniable favorites of our crew, we had to give props to the Hula brigade, who were not afraid to let the chubby girls dance up front.

As girls do, conversation immediately drifted to dance performaces of our sordid pasts. While Heather and Sue danced into their teens, my first recital, at the tender age of five, proved to be my last. Dressed in my costume -- we were pink poodles -- I cried the entire time I was on stage. I then went home, climbed beneath the chopping block in the center of the kitchen, covered my stupid costume and my head with a blanket, and cried some more. There is an entire 36-roll photo shoot of the scarring incident. The next day, my dad, my hero asked me if I wanted to ride horses instead of dance. Much to the dismay of every female in my family, I wiped away my tears, and promptly traded in my poodle ears for a hoof pick. It was, quite possibly, the easiest decision I ever made.

2002-07-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

What does being a wet nurse have to do with wedding planning anyway? Someone please tell me.

Thanks, Allyson.

2002-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

So the goal is to "try new things." That means:

1. No Mint
2. No Superdiamond
3. No Mint

for an undisclosed amount of time. And Saturday, adhering strictly to the new rules by which we live, Allyson, Bryan, Lynn, Jess, Gareth and I decided we would -- under no circumstances -- allow ourselves to karaoke at the Mint. Instead, we banged irons, turkey basters, pots, pans, and crimpers on tables whilst listening to the fabulous tunes of The Modern Appliance Band (they wore suits on stage, even though it was warm in there...always a plus).

Then, since we were not allowed to karaoke at the Mint, we decided to karaoke at Do Re Me...where the rooms are small and the tunes are all ours. Sure, it felt like we were reserving a room for a very proper orgy (no chains, leather, or pleather did we carry), but once we were locked in the dark confines of our "Small Room" and had dimmed the lights, turned on our disco ball, popped open our MGDs and $1.59 chardonnay, and programmed Survivor's The Search Is Over in the highly complicated machine, we discovered that what we were doing wasn't sinister or dirty at all. Except for trying to peer through into other people's "Large Rooms" to see what they were up to. That felt pretty wrong. Until...

In the car on the way home, Allyson showed me her most recent -- and clearly best -- discovery at Bryan's office ("Hey Mr. President of the Company, are those headphones with a long metal cord attached? They are? Can I have them? That'd be sooo great!") Truly, I was mesmerized by the many Halloween-costume options that the headphones offered. Were we djs? Astronauts? Princess Leias? Queen Amidalas? Time travelers? All of above, my friend. All of the above. And the ride home, through red lights and stop signs galore, was the most fun I had all night.

2002-06-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

Holy macaroni. And I thought my tax dollars went to roads and shit.

"We ought to ask at that moment if it wouldn't be a good idea for them to get married," explained Horn. "We would refer them to pre-marriage services."

2002-06-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes

When soap stars
return to
shows they were once on

I wonder
if the show they were once on
has paid the star
to
NOT
be on the show for a while

so that when the star
comes back
everyone says
OH MY GOD

It's Tony Dimera!
The real one.
He didn't die in that gas explosion

after all.

2002-06-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well I'll be -- there is a god, after all.

SAD DAY FOR JERRY FALWELL: Nickelodeon's controversial special on gay parenting, titled My Family Is Different, attracted a record 976,000 viewers Tuesday night. It ranked as the network's most-watched news special ever.

2002-06-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

Grab your kleenex, ladies. I mean, girls:

"Taylor Hanson, the 19-year-old lead singer of Hanson (he's the middle brother), married 18-year-old girlfriend Natalie Anne Bryant on June 8 in Pine Mountain, Ga. The ceremony was reportedly romantic and intimate."

2002-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

This old guy with a beard came by
and sprinkled flags and stars
and shit
all over my desk.

"IT'S FLAG DAY!" he screamed
as he flitted away.

And here I thought
it was just
the Friday that I learned
that Jerry Bruckheimer is developing a sequel to Coyote Ugly.

2002-06-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

Kelly Osbourne, I like

your dogs and your house and your dad.

But I do
not like
you singing badly
like Cher
and grinding with guitarists
like Cher
at the MTV Movie Awards --
When Britney
*NSync
and Neil Diamond
were suspiciously absent.

2002-06-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

My 10-year high school reunion is 2 1/2 months away. Go Panthers. A frightening thought in itself. So I wrote the chair of the event, Isabelle Wells, one-time cheerleader now lawyer (we haven't spoken since the summer after graduation) who still lives in our hometown of Huntsville, Alabama, to send gossip anon.

Here is her reply. It's funny (in an "I hated her!") kind of way. Most of all, though, it's horrifying, and it's a pretty good indicator of how southerners handle news. The two deaths are shocking -- DUI accidents and deaths we did have in high school -- but something about these seems too adult, too separate from what we'd dealt with together in high school. Thinking of these things happening to people I last saw in our gymnasium and smoking behind their cars, hiding from rent-a-cop, parking-lot narks, is a terribly sad and strange experience that words just don't seem to describe.

"My gossip is not all good news. During the hunt to find everyone, we learned Roger Schwerman is missing and presumed dead. It is rumored he learned he had a fatal disease and OD'd before walking off into to Pacific Ocean.

Shannon Dickerson just passed away May 21. He had been suffering for several years with cancer.

On the lighter side, too many people have babies!! Melissa and Keith Rogers have two beautiful children and Stacy and Mark Hedden [Editor's Note: wrestling cheerleader and quarterback/captain of the football team, respectively] have 2 boys with another on the way. Stacey Johnson, now Lewis, scared everyone with a very premature baby girl, but Mom and baby are doing great now. Not everyone is happily married. Anne McConnell [Editor's Note: senior class president and shaved her head bald] just went thru a bad divorce as did Christie Campbell. Lots of people just haven't changed at all.

I get all this lovely news via the reunion committee, also known as the Junior League and me. I can't complain though, because we have had great help with the reunion and lots more offers of help. Except from Stephanie Gwaltney [Editors Note: Miss Teen Alabama, 1991, now works at Office Furniture USA], who has not even called to offer help! Now she is interesting gossip. Engaged to Mr. Perfect who bought her a BMW for engagement, then dumped her just before the wedding, she's now living in Mayfield area and decorates her home like the Griswolds for EVERY holiday, was dating a Backstreet Boy for a while, but now they are just friends."

2002-05-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

My favorite discovery of the week, maybe month, is that Odd Todd does movie reviews. I like Odd Todd, and I like movies, and this just makes for a stellar combo.

2002-05-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

Comments!

Let my Pony

Go.

(fingers crossed, eyes closed.)

2002-05-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

comments are down for 24 or less. ezra

2002-05-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

Amy, my best friend from college, came to visit this weekend. The highlight, of course, was a raucous Saturday night, spent headbanging to Pop Rocks and making eyes at Surreal Neil -- and not, as he might believe, at the long-haired (and apparently substitute) guitarist. Amy's comment about the experience was: "Um, that's kinda cool you guys follow bands like that. We don't really do that in Richmond." And I don't really know if she thinks that we are cool or uncool or obsessed or alocholics -- or perhaps a sublime combination of them all.

Superfresh weekend activities included: the best hangover recovery breakfast at Howard's, cheese and wine and bright sunshine in Sonoma, shoe shopping, clothes shopping, boy talking, a fruitless -- so far -- trip to Good Vibrations, buffalo wings, and PBR on tap.

Things we were sad to see: Unfaithful, a plethora o' fog, Saturday night's end, and Tuesday morning.

Things that we were sad to miss: Heather, Ezra's 28th, painting our fingers and toes, and a very necessary eyebrow waxing.

2002-05-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

Beer and wine/
Beer and wine

I like
to drink you

All the time

2002-05-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

Inspired, once again, by Heather and Helen Jane:

Stefano takes his tea with milk and no sugar.

John and Marlena stayed at the Ihilani Resort on Oahu for their honeymoon.

When Eric's car was hit by the train he was driving a white hatchback.

Nicole Walker's porn name was Misty Circle

2002-05-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Felicity
Goodbye Noel
Goodbye Ben (my sweet prince).

The conclusion our our time together made me cry last night.
And that hasn't happened since

Tuesday, when Xander saved the world.

2002-05-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Vegas how I love thee. Let me count the ways:

1. Watching Sue get a lap dance, on stage, from a very cute, very gay boy in a thong. Well, cute except for the thong, grease, lingering smell and butt hair.

2. Trying to choose said cute boy from a plethora of cute, gay boys in buttless chaps and pointing one out saying, "Hey Jara, how bout that guy? He's hot." And Jara responding, "Nah, his dick is too small." Then realizing that Small Dick is just not smart enough to stuff his G with dollar bills, tissue paper and Almond Joys like the rest of 'em.

3. Watching cute, gays boys do not-so-sexy stripper routines to "Jailhouse Rock" and "Devil Went Down to Georgia" with choreography nicked directly from my 7th grade Gong Show and Oklahoma, respectively.

4. Not peeing for three days because margaritas, MGDs and the hot, hot burning sun sucked out every ounce of superflous fluid in my body. (If you knew how much I peed, you'd know what a grand reprieve that truly is.)

5. Watching scantily clad people with fabulous wigs dance in cages and on pedestals and twirl from bungee cords above our crowded dance floor. Also, falling confetti. Lots and lots of it.

6. Mullets. Of both the male and female persuasion.

7. Nude hose with sandals. (Also correlated nicely with aforementioned hot, hot burning sun.)

8. Brides Brides Everywhere.

9. Hearing that a Mother-of-the-Bride had asked my friends to "move, please" so that her daughter -- The Bride, in her gown -- could have her picture taken beside the McDonald's sign in the MGM hotel.

10. Yelling at cute knights on horses, and telling them that we love them...even GoodForNothingNorway. And doing so being acceptable just because we're 13 girls and one of us has a veil. Also -- Days of Our Lives-like dialogue and an impressive cameo from Gene Simmons as the evil, fire-happy Gandor.

11. Roller coasters, $2 diet cokes, "Caesar" at Caesar's Palace, 5 swimming pools, naps and thick gold necklaces in the hot, hot burning sun.

12. The smell of our ghetto hotel room -- a ripe combination of urine, old people, Goodwill and burning hot dogs.

13. Vibrator and celebrity talk with Sue, Heather, Em, Em, Denise, Karen, Beth, JJ, Linda, Steph, Jara and Morgan.

2002-05-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

It is 91 degrees in Las Vegas.

Tomorrow
I will be
too.

2002-05-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

On Monday, Heather, Allyson and I went to see this band. The band was good fer sure, but the highlights of the evening (as expected) were dueling cameras, played by Heather and Allyson. Pool games were shot, poses were struck, and Heather and Allyson were thrilled to discover that, separately, they had BOTH taken the same picture of the same weird guy who stared at the fire for 45 minutes.

To wit: Three girls are outside. Two are smoking. All three are entranced by the very ano guy (who likely got that way with the exceptional diet plan of heroin and burritos), dressed in head-to-toe black, complete with black hair and a fabulous white skunk stripe down the left side. Heather asks Allyson if she can take a picture of her with Skunk. Allyson says "Sure!" and shimmies her way nearer to our thin friend She acts like she belongs there.

Heather (pauses): "Well, I actually want you to pose with him."

"Ok!!!" replies Allyson, and taps Skunk on the shoulder.

"Um, yeah, Hi!" says Heather, "I was wondering if I could take a picture of you two."

Sarah and Allyson smile so that Skunk feels comfortable. Skunk does not respond. Skunk looks very dubious.

Heather continues: "You see, I'm doing this photo project..." (trails off)

Skunk does not respond.

(picks up) "...of people in San Francisco for this...um...photo project."

Allyson and Sarah continue to smile. Heather smiles.

Skunk kinda smiles and says, "Ok."

Heather readies the camera. Allyson puts her arm around Skunk and lays her head on his shoulder. Skunk finally looks like he's starting to enjoy himself.

Allyson looks up and informs him: "I'm going to put my head on your shoulder."

Click.

2002-05-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

I do love a barbeque. Even when we don't eat bbq. Sue and Mike, hosts extraordinare, had a doozy this weekend. Basking in northern California's brightest sunshine all day Saturday, we drank, ate, and played games until it was time to hop in cabs and zoom off to The Mint. Being sun- and beer-baked, we were star performers, and left the Mint better people.

What no one expected, however, was the kindness of KJ Frank. When Heather unexpectedly and immediately had to depart, leaving me stranded without a partner for "We've Got Tonight" --Kenny & Sheena style -- Frank offered to take her place. Although no one can really take Heather's place, Frank did his best. My concern, of course, was that I'd screw up Sheena's many, many high notes. "Frank," I pleaded, "what if I can't go that high?"

"I know both parts," he consoled.

"Even the falsetto?" I questioned.

"Especially the falsetto," he replied. Silly girl, I should've known.

What can I say, we held hands; we sang to each other; he got mad when 5 guys spilled a pitcher on our table. It was love, attached-gay-KJ, single-hetero-girl style. And when you've got that, who needs tomorrow?

2002-05-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

I've known Josh
Since we were 5.
Now he's a
Rock Star
and he's playing here.

Monday. At 9. $7.

Heather/
Sue/
Allyson/
and Jess/
will be there. Wearing
French Kicks t-shirts.

You should too.

2002-05-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

Having met Ezra, Jefe, Mat and Kool Bobby last night for (essentially) the first time, I share these pearls of wisdom:

1. Ezra talks about sex as much in person as he does on the blog.

2. Jefe now has a burning desire to visit the excellent shops and restaurants along 9th and Irving.

3. The highlight of Mat's evening was a phone call from Harper.

4. If there were a movie about Kool Bobby's life, Kool Bobby would be played by Billy Crudup, even though BC is significantly shorter than KB.

5.Heather loves her blue pants more now than the day she bought them.

2002-05-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better than good news about good friends.

2002-05-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I watched Eugene fix Heather's car by replacing the old, acid-soaked battery with a shiny new one. I asked him when he learned to do that kind of stuff. He replied: "I dunno. Growing up, I guess -- it's easy, just like changing the battery in your Walkman." Yeah, well, while he was busy peering into the hoods of cars, I was learning how to put make-up on the dog. "Come here, Ginger! Good girl."

We all have our talents, Eugene. Some more useful than others.

2002-05-06T23:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, at another screenwriting session starring Heather, Sue, and Sarah, pizza was eaten and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (1985) (or, as they call it on the Official Website, GJWHF) was watched.

At the tender age of 12, when I discovered this movie -- at the video store, not the theater -- I couldn't wait to sneak out of the house via tree, wear a Catholic school uniform and, of course, become a Solid Gold dancer. Sadly, I never really had a curfew (many thanks older brother!), I went to public school, and Solid Gold just wasn't the same after Andy Gibb od'd.

But seeing my beloved Lee Montgomery on screen again made me realize that I didn't understand that "safest...between...leg...motorcycle" line until about my 47th viewing. Just like in Footloose (1984) when Ariel screams at her preacher dad "I'm not even a virgin!" -- for the longest time I thought that meant she didn't believe in God. And I was horrified. But I still wanted sassy red boots just like hers.

Ah, the past of Sarah Jessica Parker. Like an onion, it does have layers. Heather really summed up the experience with the thoughtful comment, "Wouldn't you just kill for a Dance TV t-shirt?" Yes, Heather, I would. I was going to quote some of my favorite lines, but this guy did such a fabu job that I happily defer to him. Though it's hard to believe, he clearly has less to do at work than I do.

2002-05-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

These 5 things happened last night. As a collective, they prove that my college years are indeed 6 long years past. In order of occurrence:

1. I made Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for dinner, and I had to read the instructions to see how much milk and butter to add to the powdered cheese packet.

2. I decided against adding the required amount of butter (1/4 cup!), and wondered if I should make some vegetables in order to "make it a meal."

3. I cooked the macaroni in one pot. I then mixed it with cheese/milk/tbsp Heart-Healthy Promise in a large bowl. I ate it from a plate.

4. Having pre-rinsed all 3 dishes, I put them in the dishwasher.

5. When my roomates came home, they were not excited that I had already made dinner. And then they cooked something different.

2002-05-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

Little pillow

Between my knees

You make them

Not Knock

All night.

You are so much better

Than Jello Instant Pudding/

But maybe not as good

As a lullaby from Curtis Mayfield.
Ok, it's a tie.

2002-05-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

I was in line at Walgreens this morning, buying Aleve for my once again broken back. When I went to check out, there was this old woman with no teeth trying to butt into a ridiculously long line.

Very ballsy she was, and Toothless started off by sliding her way into third place. This woman behind Toothless tapped her on the shoulder and told her that indeed, there was a line. So Toothless moved back one space behind Tapper. Another woman tapped Toothless, and explained that, indeed, there was still a line. Toothless moved back another space. A third woman tapped Toothless and told her that yet again, a line still existed. Without turning around or moving another space, Toothless exclaimed: "I got the runs. I got to get outa here."

No one tapped her after that.

2002-04-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

For Heather -- what more could you ask for? Teen Queen, Superhero and Siren.

2002-04-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons to watch MTV: The Osbournes, Jackass, The Andy Dick Show ("don't step on that"), but one of the most special reasons is Fear. The premise: Send the best and the brightest of today's youth into abandoned (read: haunted) areas -- prisons, hospitals, army bases, etc. -- and set up dares for them (e.g., sit in a hole in the ground for a few hours, perform seances, channel spirits throught the magic of the Ouija...). Example task: "Now you are trying to catch a picture of the Nahual beast with your digital camera."

The participants have to film everything with hand-held video cameras; all dares are done at night; and they receive instructions and stories about the atrocities that happened there via computer, because, except for the scary, scary ghosts, these kids are alone. Oh also, psychics and ghost channeller-types explore the area before the participants arrive and talk about all of evil/residual hatred that resides there.

If, however, you are not yet convinced that this makes for a riviting 58 minutes of television, preview these outtakes from a recent episode:

On Encouragement: "Right on, dog-y-dog."

On Hope: "I wish I was in New Albany right now."
(Response: "Me too, me too.")

On Contentment: "That noise is not cool. I don't think that thing is happy that I poured blood down here."

On Exercise: "Damon, I'm running to the Safehouse. Open the door! Something has its hand on my shoulder. I'm running. Open the door! Now! Now! Daaamooon!"

On Education: Look, I'm learning. Here's your blood. I'm learning! MTV sent us. We respect you!"

On Poultry: "Alright, I need the caged chicken please."

2002-04-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Poem #1

It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
It smelled like poo in the 3rd floor bathroom.
So I went to the 2nd floor.

Poem #2

Howard. So funny, so early,
In my car.

You sang, I smiled.
Your girlfriend looked skanky
In that magazine.

But I don't care
I still like you.
More than Beetlejuice.

2002-04-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

While there's nothing funny about a heart attack...

2002-04-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

Today my boss said that she had a doctor's appointment and would be in the office by 1:00. She lied. Here's what I did in her absence:

7:40-8:30 -- Logged on. Checked Hotmail. Checked work email. Answered some of both. Sent some of both. Filled water bottle.

8:32-9:47 -- Checked Salon. Read some stuff. Surfed Fresh Air archives, and listed to 3 (Denis Leary, some guy from The Sopranos, some Spanish director). All were excellent. Checked Minister and Hotmail incessantly.

9:47-10:02 -- Wrote stuff in preparation for 10:00 meeting. 10:00 meeting postponed til 10:15. Checked Hotmail in its stead.

10:15-11:22 -- Sat quietly in meeting.

11:22-4:13 -- Checked Hotmail and Minister incessantly (approx. every 4 minutes). Thought about posting. Decided against it. Checked to see if large plants flanking the elevator were real. They are. Ate lunch -- cheap, bad soup from Trader Joe's. Told self to remember to stop buying soup there. Was happy to read all three off Allyson's new posts. Commented on two of them. Filled water bottle four times. Peed a lot. Walked outside because its pretty. Came back to check Hotmail.

4:14 -- Realized that I had not built 12 pages that are due tomorrow. Cussed to self. Checked Hotmail.

4:17 -- Started to build pages.

4:19 -- Started listening to This American Life story about the three kinds of deception (am listening still -- it's very good).

4:23 -- Decided to post.

2002-04-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

There's this woman doing the Eco-Challenge named Sarah Boardman. She's the captain of a team called Moosejaw. As leader of the team her strategy thus far has been to:

a) Insist that her teammates carry all of the gear (and, usually, her pack) so that she can save her strength for "making decisions all day"
b) Bitch at her team a lot for "going too fast"
c) Beg her team to "Slow down, you guys!"
d) Insist that she can steer the raft from the front of the boat because "You can't see the water hitting the front of the boat when you're in the back."
d) Lie about her team and her abilities when no one else is near the camera

Oh yeah, and at last year's Eco-Challenge, her team (a different team) was disqualified in their fourth hour of racing (an 11-day race, mind you) because she forgot the maps. It is men and women like Sarah who make the Eco-Challenge worth watching. And recording.